\my complicated relationship with my birthday + life update
tw: mention of suicidal thoughts
August 8, 2022
When this is posted, it will be my 16th birthday. But as of writing this, it's a few days before. So this isn't the most groundbreaking entry. This is just me talking about my experiences with my birthday and birthday moments worth mentioning, positive and negative.
My 10th birthday was a lil interesting, mostly because I woke up to my mom bawling her eyes out. Also, that was the first (and last so far) birthday I spent with my bio dad and older brother. We went to Cici’s Pizza and had a good time, but by the night's end, I was crying my eyes out because they were leaving. It was also the first time my dad and I had a real convo about the state of our relationship. Till this day, I'm still not 100% sure where we stand. Thinking about the fact that it was 6 years ago is so trippy. My 15th was no less than a shit show and the worst day of my life.
The day leading up where fine. It was my first birthday when I was having a birthday party with friends, and I was so excited. Also, my best friend, who was living in the Virgin Islands at the time, moved back up to the States after 2 years for the rest of high school. I was so excited. But, things took a turn pretty fast.
About a week before, I had a massive fight with one of my best friends. By the end of that week, we were no longer friends. I cried about it for a few days. Then I cheered up because my birthday was coming up, and I was determined not to let him ruin it. I found out about 2 days before that I would have to switch schools again a few days before the first day. I've switched schools a lot my whole life, but it never really got easier. I cried about it for a bit, but I pulled myself together because my party was in 2 days. Not even a few hours after that, my mom got sick, and she had to be rushed to the hospital. She ended up being there for 3 days. Because of this, I had to cancel my party. Now, I had nothing to look forward to. Not school, not my birthday, nothing. The night before my birthday, I was alone. Every year at midnight, my mom would run into my room and wake me up and tell me happy birthday. I used to think it was annoying, but that night that's all I wanted. I cried all night. I woke up on the 8th, nothing short of depressed. I wasn’t happy. I didn't want to talk to anyone or get up I wanted the day to be over the second it started.
My older sister forced me to get up, and we went to Wawa. We ate breakfast, danced in the car, and I felt better. When we returned home, my dad said happy birthday to me and asked me how I felt. All I could say was it was okay.
After a while, I wanted to call my mom, but he wouldn't let me. We got in a fight, and I called her anyway. He later said it’s because he knew me talking to her would make me upset, but why couldn't you just say that while we were arguing? Also, I was already clearly upset. When I talked to my mom, we both started to cry. She had been in hospital for 2 days, and they still couldn't figure out what was wrong. I started to think the worst. I was supposed to hang out with my friend at her place that day, but I didn't have energy, and I knew I would be no fun, so I called her and told her I decided to stay home.
I threw my phone and cried. I wanted to wake up and have my mom there. My whole summer, I had been in a very bad depressive episode. I would sit in bed for days, not eat, shower, or brush my teeth. Just sleeping, crying, or blankly staring at my tv, watching whatever I put on. My relationship with my parents wasn't great. I had just changed my name, and there was lots of tension about my gender and sexuality in the house. We fought all the time. This was the icing on top of my mental break. “What's the point of even living when things always go wrong? Life is a never-ending nightmare. I just want it to be over.”
I stared at the scissors on my vanity. “Why not?” I thought. I picked them up, but I couldn't bring myself. I wrote a note in case I got the courage at some point. I looked at myself, and all I could do was cry. All of a sudden, I was filled with rage. “Why me? I did everything right. I was nice to everyone. I don’t deserve all this pain. Why Why WHY?” I broke down. I threw things. I screamed and shouted as much as I could. Then, I realized that wouldn’t fix anything. I felt so powerless. All I could do was calm down and cry even more. At some point, I passed out. I woke up at 10 pm, unsure if it was the next day. My little sister was over me. She said in her tiny voice, “We have something for you in the dining room.” I hoped it would be my mom, but I knew it wouldn't. It took me a while to get up. I felt so drained. I noticed a cut on my hand, “Fuck, I guess I accidentally cut myself with the scissors I hope they don’t see that.” I washed my face. I slowly walked outside. My stepdad, and both of my sisters were waiting for me next to a small cheesecake that had two 15 candles on top. The lights were off. They were the only things that lit the room.
“Thank you, guys.” I said, barely above a whisper. I don’t remember how they responded. At the time, I was very fogged. I sat, and they sang happy birthday to me. All I could do was cry. I tried to smile through my tears. I got a 25-dollar Nintendo gift card to buy a new video game and a birthday card. I thanked them again, got a slice of my cake, and headed back to my room. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I don’t remember much after that. I woke up the next day and got ready for the first day of school on the 10th.
That brings us to this year. I’m planning to have a party with my friends again. I’m freaking out a little because I'm terrified of it going badly. After last year my birthday is something I’ve come to fear and have general anxiety about. Since I've been grounded, this is my first time seeing my friends in months, so I’m nervous. More than I should be. Also, this really cute guy I've been crushin on for a lil minute is coming (AHHAHAHAHH), so needless to say, I’m shitting my pants. I will update, and since this won’t be up till the 8th and my party is on the 6th, I’ll put pics, and you guys will get a face reveal!! I know, I know very exciting stuff all around!
heres the life update!
I know I haven't posted in a minute! I’m not gonna lie and say I’ve been busy because that's not true, I just had like a bad writers block. Like, I tried to write a few times but I felt so uninspired. But, YOU GUYS, I HAVE GREAT NEWS. I'M NOT NO GROUNDED ANYMORE!! After 3 months, IM FREE. I can talk to friends again and do stuff that just makes me so happy, like omg. Also, I’m done with online school so too. I have more news; I’m switching schools again, but this time in excited because it wasn't just sprung on me or piled on top of other things. Plus, it's a way better school compared to my last one. Overall I’m SOOO EXCITED about my future, and my mental health is doing well. Anyway, that's all I have for yall.
pics from the party:
I'm the black one btw
your cyber bestie
silas stevenson
·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
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